In my last post, I shared learnings on preparing for a newborn physically. In this blog post, I’ll share mental preparation tips, particularly for those of us who don’t have a lot of prior experience or exposure to babies.
1. Manage your expectations
One of the most powerful takeaways from business school was from a leadership class where the Professor wrote on the board:
Happiness = Reality – Expectations
I don’t think it’s always true – some things hurt despite you knowing they will, but it certainly helps to have more realistic expectations, and it can be hard to when we are surrounded with false advertising particularly around parenthood. Notably, most depictions of babies in the media and in advertising (e.g. diaper commercials) are not of the early newborn phase — because that is the HARDEST and least rewarding phase (no smiles, no interest in toys, no recognizing Mommy or Daddy yet etc.). The reality is that keeping a newborn alive is not fun a lot of the time, simply because it’s very hard to enjoy anything on such little sleep. The play-times are fun and it gets more rewarding as the play-times become longer and your baby can do more, but there are definitely hours in the first several weeks when you’re just surviving, or struggling through mental repetitive strain injury from repeating the same actions in a loop round the clock (feed-diaper-put-to-sleep-tidy-up). As I read in a really helpful book, You got this mama by Liz Swenson:
Keep the expectations low and the gratitudes high
— Liz Swenson
Having a child is a long-term project. It’s not supposed to be a net positive in every moment. People, including me, will only post highlights on Instagram, because who wants to see a photo of a tired parent hand-washing spit-up from a bassinet cover? Nobody.
But don’t be misled by social media that everyone is happy all the time (this goes for life in general). I’ve really valued people who have been keeping it real when they talk to me. As my ObGyn said: “You may find yourself crying at 2 am. That is totally normal. The first ten weeks are the hardest thing you’ll ever do”
In week two, I had some days where I was reminiscing about how good my partner’s and my life was when we weren’t 24-7 dedicated to taking care of our baby. It’s amazing how you can live in the same house with your partner and still miss them so much – as happens especially when you sleep in separate rooms to take shifts on night-feeds. These are temporary accommodations to make but that still doesn’t make them easy in the moment. “This too shall pass” is a helpful mantra for the tough times.
The other excellent advice I got from a friend was just one word he said to keep in mind during this phase: “Cherish”.
2. Expect disagreements with your village
With the lack of sleep, you will fight with everyone about things that wouldn’t have tipped your boat before. It’s helpful if all parties involved in caring for a newborn have the expectation of disagreements and have rules of engagement on disagreements like taking a time-out by moving to a separate room. Sometimes the best conclusion on the pacifier discussion is for you and your partner to get pacifiers for yourselves. Discuss your rules of engagement with your care team before the baby arrives, and be forgiving of each other and of yourselves.
3. Know where to get more significant help if you need it
I had set up therapy and gone to 3 sessions before baby. I recommend doing the paperwork and registering with a therapist before the baby arrives in case you need someone to talk to. It’s good to minimize research and paperwork later on, and you can always cancel sessions if you don’t need it and would rather sleep.
4. Say no to people confidently
I got asked to do a bunch of feedback surveys for the hospital, for a parenting service I use and for my insurance company in the two weeks after my baby was born, all of which I declined to do, because this stuff can wait, your baby, your nap time and sanity cannot. These were easier Nos.
The harder Nos are when people want to come visit you. Their intent is good if a little misguided – you can’t have a meaningful interaction with a newborn unless you’re bonding as a caregiver, so just wait until they’re older if you really want to “meet” your friend’s kid. But even if it’s not about meeting the baby, I found in the first month that I wasn’t into meeting my friends at all, simply because I needed the down-time to rest.
If you feel like you’re not going to enjoy interacting with anyone additional right now or that it’s an added burden to try and figure out the logistics, then say No. Not Maybe, a strong No. They can wait, and if they are mature, they will understand. If they’re going to hold it against you, they’ll get it when they have kids and you can resume your friendship then in petting zoos and fairs and all the cute fun places you will get to go with your kids!
My personal take on visitors has been that the only people welcome for the fourth trimester (first three months of the baby’s life outside of the womb) are those who are going to help our family in some tangible way. As much as I love my friends, I am postponing all general in-person “hangout” requests for now. Every parent is different, others may enjoy visitors, but my point is that you should feel confident in being true to what fills your cup during this time
The fourth trimester pulls out the best and worst in you. It tests your patience, can take your anxiety to whole new depths, and asks you for more willpower than you thought you’d ever need. It’s an extraordinary experience yet the most ordinary experience in the world – all 8 billion of us inflicted it on our parents, which still blows my mind! The good news is that sleep deprivation affects memory formation so you’ll only remember the good parts later!
